ZEBRA CROSSING…
Most of the times we feel that we are mature enough and can handle any situation. However, when we look in the hindsight, we get an idea of how immature we were at that juncture. During the adolescent phase, we attempt to discover a self-concept about everything which exists around us. These are the times when one is more particular about his self-identity and self-esteem, and so was I. How could I forget Nilufer who was my life at one point in time and wanted her attention towards me always? Nevertheless, as we all know, we don’t get everything that we want.
Though Nilufer had been my best childhood friend and shared all her secrets with me, she never peeped in my heart and to see how much I loved her. When we stepped in college, our college friends also presumed that we had something between us. But most of the time, the same reflected only from my behavior. I always stood by her unconditionally and expected a bit of caring from her, too; whereas she was quite careless, heedless, and inadvertent in her approach.
Her unintentional gesture sometimes created her negative image among friends. I was among the few who understood her. I always tried to patch her image, but she gave a damn to all these things. Though she belonged to the Muslim community, nobody could identify her until and unless it was disclosed. Her dressing sense, her way of mingling with boys, and playing basketball against the boys completely made her different from other Muslim girls and those were the things which impressed me a lot.
I always wanted to have someone in my life who seemed completely different from others. I don’t know whether my thinking was correct or not, but that was there.
I knew her family members very well. They were well educated and had modern thinking. They never objected my presence in her room and that was the reason I was a frequent visitor to her house. Whenever I felt like meeting her, I never gave a second thought and reached her place. I was like a family member to them. But I was sure that she never thought anything more about me than a best friend. I was pissed off by this feeling. I had a fear that if she would fall in love with someone, then I would never get her. With this thought in my mind, I shared my feelings with her Nanu Jaan who stayed with them. He used to love me the same way he loved her. I knew that he was the only person who could understand me. And at the same time, somehow, he had also sniffed my feelings for her.
“Nanu, I don’t know whether I should share my feelings with you or not, but I felt you would understand me,” I said in a low voice keeping my gaze low.
Nanu Jaan paused for a while and then said in his gravelly voice, “Be careful before crossing the road. Sometimes people meet with an accident even on the Zebra crossing, if they ignore the signals”.
Nanu Jaan’s reply was completely Greek for me. For a few seconds, I was staring at him with perplexity.
He smiled and said, “What happened? Why are you looking at me with a lost face?”
“Nanu, I couldn’t get what you just said,” I just blurted out.
He smiled and said, “Beta, I understand your feelings, but before proposing to her just assess yourself whether you are at par with her or not, in all aspects. You both are moving on your own path, but now you want to cross the road. Think twice. Are you ready for it?”
Usually, Nanu’s philosophical thought passed over my head, but this time I got it. I understood that he wanted me to think about the differences between me and her seriously. She was 18 then and her parents were looking for a good proposal for her, fanatically. Every lover has the same problem. They fall in love first and then they think about the consequences; I was no different. I was in my early twenties and as usual, my parents wanted me to complete my studies first and then get established. However, I wanted to spend all my life with Nilu.
Nanu’s advice kept on haunting me the whole night. Somebody has rightly said that ‘Love is blind’. I knew that she was Muslim and our parents would never approve of this relationship, but even then I wanted to make it happen. And that was not the only hindrance, rather, that was the starting point of our problems. For her, completing the MBA degree was just a routine qualification, but for me, completing it with distinction was the only way to get a campus placement.
And finally, the day came when Nilu had an engagement with a guy of her community. That day I realized that some people are born to chip in other’s love stories. But in my case, the love story was only from my side. I knew that there was nothing from her side, but still, I was ready to accept her at any point and decided to wait for her throughout my life.
The newly engaged couple was looking very happy and I was participating in that happiness with my artificial smile.
As people say, where there is a will, there is a way. Their marriage was on hold until she completed her MBA. I did not know on what ground their parents took this decision, but I was very happy from within. Now I had two more years to get established and also a chance of igniting my feeling in her heart.
After her engagement, she became bolder. Initially, she had a talk with her fiancé over the phone for hours, bunking the MBA classes, but gradually, they started meeting outside the college. I had been witnessing all her nonsense but did not muster the courage to hold her back directly. And at last, I decided to disclose her stupidity to Nanu Jaan. That act was not to help her in securing good marks in professional courses but to put the hurdle in their relationship.
I was eager to do something about this situation, although my heart was not my side. I was straining my brain for conceiving the opportunity where I could drop the hints of her closeness with her fiancé to Nanu Jaan without getting the blame on me. I wanted to be clean in front of her. I did not want to lose her soft-corner for me. I knew that someday the same feelings could be culminated to love. So many mischievous ideas were popping up in my brain, but I wanted to play safe. At last, I selected one solid idea among many, which could be lethal for their relationship.
Now, the time was to execute the plan. For this purpose, I reached her home the next Sunday evening. Before entering her house, I noticed a black sedan parked beside her main door. Out of curiosity, I asked her gatekeeper, “Who has come?”
“Tanveer Babu has come with his family.” “Is Nanu Jaan there in the house?” “Yes.”
I was so desperate for executing my plan that I did not even realize whether I should have visited her house or not when some guests were there. I pressed the doorbell. Her maid opened the door and welcomed me in as she knew me as Nilufer’s friend. The moment I entered the house, I could realize the level of importance of those guests as her parents did not even look at me. I felt a little awkward because usually, they entertained me. I gathered my courage and asked, “Uncle, where is Nilu?”
Their parents looked at me with an irritated expression.
“She asked for the assignment copies,” I dropped the reason of my coming.
“She is in her room,” her mother replied
“Okay, Aunty,” I turned away from them and exhaled a deep breath. I was never nervous and awkward in her house, ever. I moved to her room with quick steps. The closer I was coming to her room the clearer I was hearing the laughing noise. By the time I reached in front of her room, I could perceive the presence of someone else. I knocked at the door.
“Come in,” she replied from inside and again burst into laughter.
I pushed the door lightly and stepped in her room. My mood changed drastically after finding that the second person was her fiancé.
“Rajesh… meet Tanveer,” she showed her fiancé with great pride and said, “Tanveer, he is Rajesh, my friend.” She did not even mention the word ‘childhood’ or ‘best’ before ‘friend’, which could have made me feel proud. I was just staring at her. She seemed very happy with this relationship. And her happiness was quite rational. Tanveer had completed his MBA from America and had already received offers from various Multi- National Companies. They had a bright future. Now I could relate Nanu Jaan’s advice completely, what he said that day. I was feeling diminished in front of them. She suddenly held my hand and said, “Why are you standing like a statue? Sit on the sofa Nah,” and giggled. “No, I need to go back… Papa is not well. I just came to hand over your book, which you left there in the classroom,” somehow I managed my voice and feelings both, in front of them. I did not want them to suspect my inner feelings from my behavior.
“Cho sweeeet… How caring you are! That is why I say you are my best friend.” She smiled and my anger evaporated within a second.
She stood up and said, “Guys, just a moment, please wait; I’m coming back.” She rushed out of the room leaving Tanveer and me, alone. We both had nothing to say to each other. Even he did not seem comfortable with me. After some time, I decided to break the silence. “Where are you working now?” Although I knew the fact, I couldn’t find anything else to ask.
“I have not yet joined any company, but I have offers from three Multi-National Companies,” he replied with a lot of pride in his voice and then he asked, “What are you doing?”
“Nothing,” I blurted out
“Nothing?” he reconfirmed my reply questioningly. “I mean I am trying to complete my MBA nowadays.” “Okay. How do you know Nilufer? I mean, where you met her the first time?” he asked.
I knew why he was asking this. He wanted to know the details of our friendship. I thought that was the right time to drop the venom in their relationship. I was trying hard to accept the reality, but all my efforts were going in vain. It was something on which I did not have any control.
“Nilu and I are childhood friends. We went to school together and then to college together. We used to party together. We used to do lots of MASTI together. Now, we are doing an MBA together. In fact, we grew together, but after her engagement, I realized that she would leave me, one day. Hmmm… you are so lucky,” I almost kept my heart out.
Nilu stepped back in the room holding a tray in her hand, “Guys, let’s have tea together.”
We did have tea together, but Tanveer and I were almost silent. The only speaker was Nilufer. I had come to her home with a specific agenda. I wanted to expose their meeting secretly in the college hours, but seeing Tanveer in her room and their parents allowing them to spend the time together, had actually weakened my determination of getting her. That day I realized she was not made for me.
I did not even remember when I reached my house as all her memories were floating in my brain throughout my way back home. I wanted to shrug off the memory of good times spent together. I was feeling so diminished. I knew that I would never get her back in my life. I was so hopeless and despondent. That was the worst emotional pain I have been through in my life. I wanted to cry. I wanted to take my heart out in front of someone who could empathize with me. No one was there to say that it happens to everybody. It seemed that everything in this world was meaningless for me.
My parents had definitely got a whiff of my restlessness. Maybe they were not aware of the reasons for my unhappiness, but they were sure that I was going through some mental trauma. They never tried to counsel me as they knew I would do whatever I decided to.
And I decided to leave the city. I knew that it was not easy for me, but that was required badly at that moment. I would have never come out from her memory if I came across her so frequently. I frantically started exploring an opportunity to move abroad and one day, fate finally favored me. I received an offer letter from a reputed MNC having its head office in Florida where I could complete my MBA while working in their organization. It was like a dream come true.
